I’ve been feeling a little down lately, and it’s because I’ve come to realize the truth in what I’ve always suspected to be true – romantic love is not real. It’s probably because coming from such a broken upbringing and being such a weird kid left me rather lonely, and I always wanted that one special friend who would be mine alone, protect me from my dad and make me feel special, blah blah blah…and over the years, I guess that translated into finding my proverbial soul mate. Throughout the course of my late teens and into my late twenties, I came to the conclusion that what we as humans consider to be “romantic love” is actually an amalgamation of separate feelings – lust, infatuation, limerence, passion, responsibility, companionship, partnership, and the desire to see a task out to the bitter end all play a part in this otherwise farcical concept. Even though I’ve always known this, I’ve always felt this overwhelming desire to be proven wrong – that maybe the person of my dreams was one day going to take my life by storm and magically make my life better.
After a failed first marriage, several failed relationships, and being all but disowned by most of my family and friends, I thought I’d finally found what I was looking for in a much-younger but very similar man named Zane. Once I moved in with him, I realized that at best, he was just another human being out for what all of us think we deserve most, and at worst, he’s a high-functioning sociopath. I grew weary of his childish attitude and jaded hobbies, but given my track record, I decided to settle with him – after all, I loved him before, and I could just as well discover those feelings again if one or both of us changed. At times I developed side feelings for other people, but that’s normal – attraction doesn’t mean love, and it’s neither a crime nor a sin to have those feelings for others as long as you don’t nurture them or act on them. The best thing to do in such a situation, I’ve been advised, is to try redirecting your passion at your current partner (as long as nothing else is wrong) to keep the fire burning. But given that, doesn’t that mean that I’d basically be forcing my attraction?
They say that love is like a fart – if you have to force it, it’s probably crap. But also like a fart, sometimes you have to force it just to fight the itch. I guess I can live with that, but at the same time, it’s such an empty way to view life. And when I feel empty, that’s when I’m supposed to rely on my spirituality to bring me peace…so I began looking for answers from various Christian blogs and forums. I started with advice specifically meant for Latter-Day Saints, because a) marriage is a crucial cornerstone of said denomination and b) I’ve recently converted to LDS because this way of life has answered all of my other spiritual questions thus far, and I feel like for the most part, it’s the right religion for me.
However, I’ve mostly come up empty on this particular topic…the most helpful advice I’ve found was on this LDS.net forum thread, which pretty much just confirms what I already believe about true love not being a real thing, and that long term relationships need constant reworking to kid the participants into believing that they still feel for each other after X number of years. The interesting thing I’ve noticed is that because LDS members have the goal of getting married and having a family, they are more likely to settle down sooner – this is probably because they take a basic set of necessary criteria for a suitable spouse, narrow down the batch by weeding out the people that don’t have compatible temperaments, and then go from there (in my own cynical opinion, I think this oftentimes means that the last step is picking out the best-looking kitten in the litter, but that’s just me).
But what about non-LDS Christians? Being raised Protestant, I’ve found that these types of Christians tend to be far-less organized in their religion (despite what Reddit atheists might have you believe), to the point that I’d even consider more than half of self-identifying Christians in the United States to actually be agnostic. Nevertheless, religion is meant to give people guidance, not social status, and so I broadened my “romantic love” search to include other types of Christian advice.
While I did find one article contrary to my confirmation bias, the overwhelming majority (several of which are linked to in the aforementioned article) describe romantic love as being a new concept built largely on lust and infatuation. And given this combined information, I finally realize why many Christians are so adamantly against same-sex marriage: it’s not that they don’t understand how two people of the same sex can be in love with each other, it’s that they don’t understand how two people of any sex can be in love with each other, so they default on what “works best” for evolution and society.
So, now I’m back at square one, slowly realizing that I’ve been right all along and my Prince(ss) Charming will never come sweep me off my feet and give me that fade-to-black, happily ever after feeling I so desperately need to take me away from the Kafkaesque nightmare I was delivered into back in February 1988. From what I’ve gathered, the myth that is “romantic love” can be described as follows:
- Develop attraction to somebody, and hope they reciprocate.
- Once they reciprocate, enjoy the nerve-racking excitement of getting to know them even better.
- Decide that you don’t want these feelings to end, then foolishly take the next step – get married, move in together, have a kid, whatever.
- Realize that once you’re forced into close quarters/constant contact with this person, you get tired of their crap easily…but are now too far down the rabbit hole to pull back (and probably have too much baggage to start over).
- Keep telling yourselves that you love each other because “you’re in it for the long haul” and mistake minutiae as subtle signs that the fire is still burning (e.g., the husband putting the toilet seat down or the wife not faking a headache on their anniversary).
- Suppress the desire to find or act upon desires for someone who, at this point in your life, might actually be more compatible for you, because there is too much at stake to start over.
- Wait “till death do us part,” or in the case of Latter-Day Saints who are sealed together, this goes on forever.
Granted, I’ve known more than a few couples who have been together for years and claim they are still madly in love with each other, but I think there is more than meets the eye to these claims. Most of these couples I know have some semblance of financial stability, several good friends that are exclusive to each party, alternate work shifts, and other favorable circumstances that prevent them from actually having to be around each other all the time, which keeps their relationship in a sort of stasis while still allowing them to reap marital and common-law benefits. This dynamic proves my point exactly.
All-in-all, Christianity at it’s core is not a bad religion – when followed properly, it promotes altruism and spiritual fulfillment that is meant to bring peace to yourself and those you encounter. But if you were hoping for some mystical guidance on knowing when you’ve found your “other half,” go back to Disneyland – the (wedding) cake is a lie.
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